Monday, August 27, 2012

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Well I've come to realize how true that statement really is. Being pregnant has really proven that to me. I knew there would be certain things I would need to go through to have this baby but it really wasn't until I became pregnant that I wasn't sure I wanted to go through "those things" anymore. It was a little late by then. :] As time has gone on and more has been added to my routine I really have become stronger. Just like in the Book of Mormon the Lord hasn't taken away my burdens but I feel them getting lighter.

Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

Like I said as the pregnancy has gone on my doctors have slowly added more and more to my routine. I knew going into it that I would need to monitor my blood sugars. Then I heard I had to do it 4 times a day. Hmmm didn't like that at all (I'm not a big fan of needles no matter how small!) I hoped that they would be nice, normal, and steady so I wouldn't need to keep checking them. Not so much. Eventually I've become used to it.

I knew it was a possibility I'd need to be on insulin but I was really hoping that I'd be the miraculous CF patient who's blood sugars remained stable. No, not at all. In fact, they just keep climbing and climbing. Every time I go into the doctor they up my insulin intake. When I was first put on insulin I went through a mini (alright a little bit bigger then a mini) breakdown. It's a hard adjustment getting up the courage to stick yourself every time you eat and find the right way to poke yourself (the faster the better by they way.) When I was little I remember watching my grandma poke herself before we would eat and I would think "I'm so glad I have C.F and not Diabetes. I'd rather take meds and do treatments then give myself a shot every time I eat." Then I found out when I was about 15 that there's something called CFRD (Cystic Fibrosis Related Diabetes.) So it's actually extremely common for CF patients to have diabetes and it is rare that a CF pregnant women can escape it. Oh the wonderful things you learn about yourself as you get older.

That colorful medicine container is actually a 2 week med regimen for me. Everything else is just a little of what I do every day. 

After I was becoming accustomed to being on insulin I got very sick. Although the sickness went away in a couple weeks my lungs continued to get worse and worse. I wasn't sure how much was normal (the baby is getting bigger and it's hard to breath) and how much was not normal (I can't get over this sickness and I can't breathe.) I know I cough all the time but it has been far worse. It keeps me up at night, which is not normal. I've had way more sputum production and it has been getting much harder to breathe. Although having it be harder to breathe when you're pregnant is normal (especially for someone with already compromised lungs), what wasn't normal was the extent I was feeling it. It's hard for me to lay on my back with the pregnancy but I could feel my lungs collapse being on my side. Many nights I would just walk around our house and sit up for hours coughing my lungs up and trying to take deep breathes to get more air in my lungs. 

Just this past Wednesday I talked to my doctor and it was decided I needed extra therapy. Drum roll to getting a PICC line. 

I had very mixed feelings about this. Obviously I want to get better (10 more weeks of feeling the way I've been feeling might actually kill me :]) and I NEED to get better because I don't want this baby to get here and then end up in the hospital for weeks. I need to be at my prime when this baby comes.

Downside... I have a PICC line and it's not good for the baby. One of the medications I'm on isn't really baby safe. It's supposed to be safer as the pregnancy goes on and many women have been on it and their children haven't had side effects but the main side effect is that it can cause deafness. This concerns me but my doctors have said that the benefits of me getting healthy to have this baby far outweigh the possible side effects of our baby being deaf. I've just been trying to have a lot of faith that if our baby isn't suppose to be deaf he wont be and if he is he will be. I never have blamed my parents for having CF because I know I need to have it in this life. Although having a genetic defect that you can't control and don't even know about does feel different then purposely putting myself on I.V's. But if I think about this too much I'll go mad playing the blame game so I just have to trust myself and the doctors that this is the best decision and the Lord is in control.

I'm on one medication at 6am, 2pm, and 10pm and another one at 9pm. They take an hour each (on a good day.) So far the two side effects is that I'm super itchy and fatigued! I think both will go away soon. I think the fatigue is coming more from my body healing then the actual antibiotic (not to mention the fact that I'm only getting about 3 hours of sleep a night with the adjustments.) Pretty much my entire body is itchy (especially my torso area) but I'm hoping this will go away soon as well, as my body adjusts to the new meds.

Although going through all of this has been a hard adjustment and I still have tough days I feel good that I've been able to overcome so many fears. This has been a good prep course for possibly being on insulin continually in the future. Since I've had this time to face fears and become stronger, I know when knew fears approach in the future that the Lord will be with me then too and I'll be able to conquer whatever comes my way. Just like in Mosiah 24:14 I can stand as a witness that God "does surly visit His people in their afflictions."

The biggest blessing through all of this is having this amazing guy by my side (talk about a blessing to ease the burden upon my back)...

(Oldie but goodie)

I know pregnancy is hard for the woman but if it's harder for anyone else it'd be the husband. Jarom couldn't be any more amazing. I would never be able to go through something like this without him and his strength. He makes me dinner or goes out and gets whatever I may be craving. He helps clean, brings me my treatments, and the other day even offered to give me my insulin (although that is not happening yet. :]) Ever since I've been on these antibiotics he has been scratching my back endlessly. Because of my coughing and constant movement in trying to get comfortable in bed he pretty much gets as much sleep as I do but as soon as I'm falling back asleep he is leaving for a day at work. He constantly says little things that make me feel better and beautiful. Above all he never complains about anything and he makes the hardest situations fun. I couldn't have asked for a better husband to help me through this time.


Brian & Carina Schimpf said...

Tayler you are sooo amazing!! thank you for sharing :)

Michelle said...

I think you are such an inspiring person and I admire your courage and faith. What a lucky baby to have you and Jarom for parents. Holding that sweet baby in your arms is going to be even more rewarding than most of us can relate to for all that you've had to endure to get him here. Xoxo

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